Posts

On Breaking Up (Part 1)

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How many times have you ever had your heart "broken" because your ex(es) wanted to break up with you? How many times have you got out of a relationship/marriage leaving your ex(es) "brokenhearted" because you were the one who decided to call it quit? How many times have you parted ways with your romantic partner(s) and maintained the no-speaking terms until this very second? Love is tricky. That's what I used to think. The first time I fell in love with someone, I was in high school. Puppy love, one would say. But I don't think I should belittle, let alone disregard that experience. I honor that phase of feeling the genuine attraction and compassion romantically towards someone else for the first time. Anyway, I shall not name names, but this person that became my first love was a boy. Obviously, I was (and still am, the last time I checked) gay. The boy (who I assumed straight and is married now to a woman and they have two beautiful kids) (yes, I s

Reinventing Yourself

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I do not believe in clean slate. We need to accept and embrace the past in order for us to move forward without anything holding us back. We may think that we have forgotten, that we have gotten over the past, while in fact, our soul never forgets. Do not belittle our ability to remember every single experience that spans throughout our existence in this infinite universe. We can fool ourselves by pretending to believe that we cannot recall the unpleasant memories. But who are we kidding? Our soul knows best. That is to say that we can fully move forward ONLY AFTER we have fully embraced whatever happened in the past. Forgetting is running away. Forgetting is allowing the past to haunt us for the rest of our lives. Reinventing oneself is taking a different approach in life while, at the same time, accepting that our past experiences had to happen in order for us to be who we truly are. If only we learned the lesson. The heart stores everything.

On Growing Up

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I decided to add extension to the blog's original title, "The Dimwitted Conscience", by putting two extra words, "Grows Up", that would change the course of the blog. Looking back to 2008, the year when I first started this blog, I posted many unnecessary ranting in regards to my struggle in finishing college. Though come to think of it, the rants were actually necessary in venting out my frustration over the classic problem faced by many university students: wrapping up the final assignment that is the undergraduate thesis. So I basically bitched about how hard it was keeping up with all the thesis business. If I gotta be honest, the reason why I came up with the title "The Dimwitted Conscience" for my blog was not only because I enjoyed self-deprecating humor, but I also felt that I was lacking the agility to finish my study. I thought that the name was just appropriate considering the circumstances I was in back then. Another reason was because I wa

Heartbreak Hotel

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I could not recall how I got here in the first place. The bellboy smiled at me when he was hastily passing by. I felt bad because I was not able to even lift the corner of my lips one bit. I tried my old trick. I stood still, turning my head up to the giant chandelier hanging on the ceiling, allowing the gravity to pull my lips to form a smile. It worked. A joker smile. But still, it was a smile nevertheless. The rolling door opened as a woman walked in, followed by the bellboy who effortlessly dragged her seemingly light luggage. I threw the joker smile to the woman who immediately averted her gaze away. Bitch. My head turned to the huge mirror on the wall. I saw a man staring back at me. His pale face looked contrast with the dark circle forming his wide eye-bags, as if someone had punched him in the eyes. Or he looked like he just cried a river. A river that eventually ran dry. I stepped closer towards the mirror and he drew himself closer as well. Emptiness was reflected

Confession of Many Married Men

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I look up to the ceiling where the van is blowing what I'd consider an oasis in this humid room. Through its rather slow clockwise whirling, I can spot a significant amount of dark stain glued on the blades. It's the dust that has been there for years. The dust that has kept all the secrets of everyone that enters the room. I turn my head to the left side. My eyes lay on the body sleeping by my side. I'm staring at the defined back muscle beautifying his toned body. His bare bum looks smooth for someone with hairy chest. I suspect he waxes. Well with the rate he charges, he should be able to afford a high-maintenance ass. My alarm rings off. I better get dressed and go home. My wife promised to cook my favorite dinner tonight. My Husband's Lover Jakarta, May 2015.

B For Beautiful

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It's my first day with a new look. Excited , that would be the perfect word to describe how I feel today. I check myself in the mirror one more time. Formal blazers with matched pastels shirt and long skirt covering my socked ankles. I put the Arabic brooch on my head scarf. Beautiful. Now I look like a decent Muslim woman. I walk out of the staff toilet, nearly bump into one of my colleagues, Melissa. "Sorry" she says. "No problem, Mel" I reply. "Andy?" She hesitates. "Yes, it's me" I smile. "Wow you look...different" Melissa looks startled. "I know. I've decided to embrace my faith more firmly" I explain. "Tha.. that's...great" she stutters. "Thank you. See you in the office" I wave and walk away. The news spreads in a flash. I can tell people hastily walk pass my cubicle and shoot a quick glance at me. Within an hour of my arrival in the office, the HR calls me in. "Could

The Heaven I Was Promised

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Heaven was taken from here Broken glasses, empty bottles, flipped tables, wrecked sofas, burned flesh, exposed bones, sploshed human intestines, remains of the destroyed bodies, and fresh blood were scattered all over the dance floor. I saw my head stuck between piles of the DJ's turntables, my eyes were staring blank at the big hole on the ceiling. I could not find my body though. Ten minutes earlier, I went in to the club that was jammed with young people jumping to the loud sound of music, thrusting their hips uncontrollably, shaking their head off like lunatics. It was the most disgusting sight ever. These sinful people, they deserve to rot and burn in the deepest hell. Look at how ignorant they were. They did not notice my presence. I was the only person who carried a backpack inside and they did not even care. I squeezed through the crowd to get to the center of the dance floor where I was instructed to be standing. After reaching the spot, I closed my eyes and prayed for a m